Dr Lucy Russell, child clinical psychologist and founder of They Are The Future, shares her expert tips on how to combat separation anxiety at the school gate.
It's normal for children to show separation anxiety in early childhood, especially at school drop-off. You are their "safe base" and sometimes feel a bit unsure about leaving you.
Here are my top seven strategies from more than 20 years as a child psychologist (and 19 years of being a mother) to overcome anxiety or hesitation in the mornings.
You don't need to do all of them at once - just choose one or two strategies to focus on and you will likely see improvement.
1. Start with empathy
It can be mystifying, frustrating and stressful when your child has separation anxiety at school drop off.
You know they will be safe. You tell them a hundred times. You take extra time to give them cuddles and reassurance.
But it's important to understand that your child cannot rationalise. Their brain has not yet developed enough that the rational part can take control of the emotional centre of the brain.
Your child's separation anxiety might occur despite having a nurturing teacher. School just isn't home. It's more challenging. A new place (or relatively new place) with new situations to cope with every day and new classmates or social situations to navigate.
My tip is to empathise with your child's fears or anxiety, rather than getting caught up in the details.
2. Develop a calm morning routine
"Mornings" and "calm" don't often go together when it comes to children and school. But you can buck this trend by carefully planning a new routine.
If you are stressed, your child will be stressed. They look to you, their trusted adult, to judge how they should feel.
So, plan plan plan! Even if you are not a planner, make a loose plan. What can you do the night before?
Perhaps lay out school uniforms, prepare lunches and decide what breakfast will be
A visual schedule, such as a colourful poster on the wall, can also help you and your child. Place it where everyone can see it (like the fridge) and say goodbye to forgotten PE kits.
While it can be a challenge, aim to arrive at school in the morning with plenty of time to spare, as once again, if you feel rushed and stressed, it can rub off on your child.
3. Ensure school is a safe place
You need to feel confident that your child's school is a safe place where they are nurtured. Their emotional needs must be met.
What does this mean?
It means there must be nurturing adults within the setting who can tune in to your child's specific emotional needs and meet those needs.
4. Adapt the environment
Talk to your child's school about what can be adapted in the school environment to help your child feel safe.
For example, arriving at the classroom five minutes early so your child can settle in before the room becomes noisy.
5. Use a 'transitional object'
Young children don't have a good concept of time.
The school day can feel like forever and they may worry that you won't come back.
As part of your goodbye routine, share something with your child that they keep as a reminder of you. This is called a transitional object.
The transitional object helps your child understand that you will be coming back at the end of the day. It can be any special item that you agree on, from a hair band to a scarf or a picture.
However, it's a good idea to let your child's teacher know about the transitional object and ensure it has been approved.
6. Have your child assigned a special role
There's nothing like having a special job to re-focus anxious kids.
Speak to the teacher to see what your child could do in the mornings to help them feel special. For example, being the register monitor or lunch box organiser.
7. Look after yourself
You can't support your child if you do not feel regulated yourself. In the moment, you may feel desperate.
Before you do anything else, take a long, slow, deep breath - if you are stressed at the school gate, it's going to escalate the situation.
From a wider perspective, if your child is having a hard time, make sure you are looking after yourself so that you can best support them. Focus on basics such as getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals and having a support system.
Final thoughts
Remember that some separation anxiety at school is normal, especially in young children.
To avoid becoming overwhelmed, just pick one of these strategies to focus on at a time.
The key is to maintain regular and positive communication with your child's school and work together on finding ways to help your child feel less anxious at school. Good luck!
Dr Lucy Russell is an expert in children's autism and ADHD and founded They Are The Future to offer specialist autism guidance directly to parents through easy-to-access online resources and courses. Find out more at theyarethefuture.co.uk.
