It is a fact universally acknowledged (thank you Jane Austen) that parenting is difficult. There’s no real training course, no previous experience and yet the risks if you get it wrong are serious and far-reaching. In particular, as parents, we are challenged with different situations to deal with almost every day.

I encountered just such a situation last week at my local soft play centre. It made me think about how far we should go in letting our children learn by their own mistakes.

As with most soft play centres, there’s a big slide (it always makes me think I’m in The Faraway Tree as I slide down it with my 2 year old) which is always a favourite with most of the children who attend. I’d noticed that there were two children a little bit older than mine hanging around the bottom of the slide and trying to walk up it. They had collided a few times with the kids sliding down resulting in one child running off in tears.

To cut a long story short, when we decided to slide down, I called down to the children and asked them to move out of the way as I didn’t want them or us to get hurt. The children did this immediately and all was well until the mum decided to address me at the bottom. She was in no way aggressive or rude but simply said that she would prefer if I didn’t tell her children what to do. I told her that I understood but that, as an adult, I couldn’t sit back (or slide down) in this case and bump into her children and hurt them. I said that I felt responsible for their safety as I am an adult and her children were under the age of 6. She responded by saying that “she preferred her children to make their own mistakes so that they learn from them”.

In some ways it’s a very admirable statement to make and obviously she wasn’t telling her 3 year old to cross a busy road without holding her hand. But my feelings are that there’s a clear definition of role between parent and child and a child shouldn’t necessarily need to hurt themselves in order to learn what’s right or wrong. What’s the matter with your mum telling you that something’s dangerous and if you continue to do it, you’ll hurt yourself and the other children? And dare I say it, is it not a bit irresponsible and lazy to allow your child to do whatever they want in a public place then justify it by saying that they will learn from their mistakes?

But then, maybe there’s a happy medium: let your child learn by their own mistakes as long as it doesn’t affect their safety and the safety of those around them. At Perform, we go on weekly improvisations where the children lead and make decisions about the dramatic situtuations we put them in. We might be climbing Mount Everest, jumping across crocodile heads or floating in Outer Space but it is the children who decide what happens along the way. Giving them the responsibility in a make-believe world is, in my opinion, very important and valuable for their development, but at the same time, it is safe and no harm can come to them.

I’d love to hear your views.

I must admit that, as an August baby myself, I was slightly taken aback at the suggestion!  It’s also not something that I have ever worried about in all my years of working with young children. However, five minutes with Professor Google suggests that there is at least some science to support the theory.

In particular, my attention was drawn to a brand-new report from the Institute for Fiscal Studies which warns that summer babies are more than three times as likely to be considered ‘academically below-average’ by their teachers at age 7 than their autumn counterparts. Similarly, it has found some evidence to suggest that August children are up to 20% less likely to attend a top university. And this report is by no means a lone voice on the subject.
At first sight, the findings of this report are pretty shocking (particularly if your child happens to have been born in the summer months). However, before you start desperately calling up home tutors, here are a few thoughts:

Firstly, there are of course many examples of highly successful summer babies  - Sigmund Freud, Madonna, Rafael Nadal, Richard Branson, Paul McCartney, Judy Garland, Stephen Fry, Richard Attenborough and Sam Mendes - to name but a few.

Secondly, the suggestion of a child’s birth date as an infallible guide to their likely academic success looks pretty unconvincing when you examine the alternative proposition, namely that September babies are bound to be confident academic overachievers. I can think of many parents that simply wouldn’t recognise this characterisation.

The IFS report will be more grist to the mill for the various interest groups who are already lobbying to change the school system to remove the disadvantages of children who are young for their year. But, in the meantime, as a parent of a summer baby, what can you do?

In my experience, if you think there’s a risk that your child may find it difficult to keep pace with their classmates (particularly in the early years) or may struggle to assert their own personality in larger groups, you can devise specific strategies to help them. Try to arrange play dates with as many children of your own child’s ‘age’ as possible, encourage them to get involved in extracurricular activities in which they can excel and provide as much positive reassurance and feedback as possible when they do succeed. I hope that it goes without saying that this is precisely the type of activity and environment that we aim to foster a Perform, where each child is treated as an individual and encouraged to develop their confidence and interpersonal skills in a positive group environment.

Finally, I’ve always believed that the most important thing is not to become too fixated on the potential factors that may affect your child’s development. Certainly, it’s essential to avoid letting your child know you have any such concerns, whether expressly or tacitly. If you do, there’s a real risk that your worries may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ultimately, research like the IFS report is no different to that which suggests different academic performance between boys and girls at certain ages or in personality type between first children and siblings. In a loving supportive environment, these factors should be neither advantages nor disadvantages. They are simply one small part of our child’s make-up.

So, what do you think? How important do you believe the month of your child’s birth is? Is researching and raising the profile of this potential ‘problem’ a good or a bad thing? More pertinently, how have you summer babies out there fared? Is this a genuine problem or a good example of already overburdened parents finding something new to worry out?

When the party entertainer saw that Tom wasn’t taking part, he came over and said  “Come on, Mr Shy Boy. Come and join in!” He walked away and I said to Tom, “Go on, Tom”. And Tom responded with “I can’t, Mummy, I’m shy”. Although I didn’t show it at the time, inside I was quite annoyed. Although well meaning, the flip comment that had just been made in front of my son was inaccurate and unhelpful and, while I don’t think Tom believed it about himself, it gave him a good reason not to join in.

I’ve always disliked the word “shy”. I much prefer to say that somebody lacks confidence because this suggests it is something that can be remedied unlike shyness which is perceived as a character trait. If somebody is labelled as shy, they’ll live up to it and remain so. My son does not lack confidence so I just ignored his temporary clinginess and he then joined in. But it did make me think about how careful we should be when we describe our children, and especially in front of them, because children really do listen.  If you describe your child as shy in front of them then they are very likely to continue being so. And if they aren’t shy and want to get out of an activity, it can also give them a good excuse!

When children come to Perform, they come for lots of different reasons. Many come to simply have fun through drama, dance and singing. But many children come because they lack confidence and our special games and exercises and the nurturing quality of the classes really help to develop a child’s confidence skills.

When a child comes to Perform for the first time, we always ask their parents to tell us about their personality but, crucially, this is always when the child is not present. It’s not unusual for a parent to tell you that their child is shy, but I think it is essential that the child doesn’t hear this. Once a child feels their personality has been “defined” in this way, it’s hard for them to believe they can change it. I also think we should avoid telling a child that they are “naughty”, “cheeky” etc. I think it’s better to say “that was naughty behaviour” or “what you did was naughty”, rather than “Dan, you are a really naughty boy”.

Does anyone else have experience of their child being labelled and them living up to it?

She says that sometimes she has only one hour to get to know a child before they have a major procedure and that the best way to get to know them is to simply start playing with them straight away.  This enables her to make almost immediate decisions about their personality so she can work out how to support them in whatever they are about to go through.

Chatting to her made me think of my favourite quote -  “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation” (by Plato apparently). And wow, I really believe that. It’s basically the whole ethos behind Perform – our major emphasis is on play. We spend all our time playing drama, dance and singing based games with the children and, as teachers, this helps us to get to know them really quickly so we can get onto the useful business of helping them develop.

I was outside a class last week and one of our brilliant teachers stepped out to  prepare himself to enter in character as Boss the Head of the Monkey Village. Just before he went in, he said “Can you believe this is our job?” And I know just what he meant.  Sometimes you have to convince yourself that you are working when your job is spent jumping in and out of different characters, playing silly word games and singing songs at the top of your voice.

But, despite appearances,  it is serious fun and serious play and whilst it may seem like we are all “monkeying around” for an hour, we are able to really get to know a child and work out how to make a difference. By playing our now famous Toy Shop game, we can work out which children need to help with their focusing skills. With our Word in One game, we can see which children need their confidence building with solo-speaking exercises.

Parents often comment on the Feedback Forms written by Perform teachers for every child every ten weeks. One of the most frequent remarks is that it is more detailed than their end of term report from school – a pretty flattering considering we  spend a maximum of 90 minutes with the children each week. But, if Plato was right (and I think he was), it’s through play not conversation that we can get to the real heart and essence of our children.

So here’s to lots of playing and lots of serious fun. And here’s to using fun for all sorts of purposes. One of my favourites is the Mary Poppins purpose. Serious Fun was  the way that Mary Poppins got her charges to clean the nursery by making a boring activity a fun game. And if it’s good enough for Mary Poppins, it’s good enough for me.

Does that sound familiar to you? Have you ever said it to your own child? I know I have!

I’ve always been passionate about helping children make eye contact, especially when they meet new people or talk to adults. I think it is such an important skill to have. You only have to do an internet search for “Looking people in the eye” and you’ll find hundreds of pages about how hard people find eye contact. There are forums and websites completely dedicated to the subject so it is obviously a big problem out there.

Closer to home, eye contact is something we get asked about frequently when we talk to parents whose children come to Perform. Looking into someone’s eyes when you talk to them demonstrates confidence and we all want our children to be confident and to show this to the outside world. Eye contact is crucial for good communication skills and, if taught early, it can be with you for life.

Because of this, a big part of the Listen, Speak & Sing section at Perform is focused on developing eye contact skills. However,  of course the last thing you want to say to a child is “Today we are going to look at how to develop your eye contact skills”. You can imagine how well that would go down! What we try to do with all our games and exercises is to ensure that  the children learn what we want them to learn but also make it such fun that they think they are playing the most brilliant game ever. We spend about 3-5 minutes each week on a different eye contact game and it definitely works because the feedback we get from parents is always so positive.

So here’s just such a game for any parent or teacher who feels that their child or class needs to improve their eye contact. Normally, I make up the Perform games but this one was devised in class by Jamie, one of our teachers, about 8 years ago and it has been a hit ever since.

At Perform, we play it in a large circle as there are lots of us but I do it at home with my husband and two children and it works really well too. Try experimenting with different voices for the pizza and monkey voices as it really makes them laugh.

Hey! You smell like a Pizza

• Sitting in a circle, tell the children that you want to have a chat with one particular child and select them.

• Start chatting, but don’t give the child any eye contact

• Ask the children what you were doing wrong. Establish that you weren’t looking into their eyes and how important that is when talking to someone

• Tell them that you are going to test them

• Say to the child next to you in a loud voice while giving them perfect eye contact “Hey! You smell like a pizza!”

• Ask the child to look back at you and say “Oh, you cheeky monkey”

• Go around the circle until each child has had a turn. Make sure that each makes good eye contact before you move on

I hope you have fun playing it. Let me know your thoughts via the comments.

At Perform, we encourage our teachers to have two different types of voices for effective teaching: their energised, fun and inspiring voice for the majority of the time; and a low and firm no nonsense voice to use to ensure control when necessary.

The ‘no nonsense’ voice rarely makes an appearance but it is there should it be needed. And this isn’t a shouty/screechy / aggressive voice by the way. It doesn’t even have to be loud or raised – what’s important is its tone. We have found that a low tone works best and that it has to be firm and clear. The important thing is that the children know that this voice means business. So it should only be used sparingly when necessary.

This is not a complex or original idea and I’m sure that, if you observed most excellent primary school teachers, you would find that they naturally use two voices. But despite its tried-and-tested simplicity and prevalence, some teachers find it hard to master. And I believe that teachers (and parents by the way) who haven’t mastered this won’t be teaching to the best of their abilities. Clarity is very important when teaching and children need to feel safe within set boundaries. The way in which you use your voice is the most important demonstration of  the sort of statement, request or command you are making.

Having a “fun” and “firm” voice really works and not only as a useful aid for managing large groups of children. It’s also very helpful  for managing one or two, as I have learned with my own children.

If my son is messing around or doing something that he shouldn’t be doing, simply saying his name in my “firm” voice is sometimes all that is required to make him stop. I never shout and I don’t get angry. My vocal authority alone is sufficient to show him that I’m not happy and this usually manages to nip troublesome behaviour in the bud. The beauty of it is that you only have to say one phrase like “Excuse me” and the tone of your voice does all the work for you. So you don’t need to repeat, nag or drone on – just lower your voice and let it speak for itself.

If this sounds a bit unlikely, have a go at the following exercise with your children. Next time they are misbehaving, say something like “Stop that please” in your normal voice. Observe the response then lower the tone of your voice and say it again. See what a difference such a simple change makes. From my experience with my own and thousands of Perform children, I believe you will find it hugely effective.

Whether at home or at school, please let me know how you get on.

My first experience of working with a child with autism did not go smoothly – largely because the parents hadn’t told me  he was autistic (something which is more common that you might expect).  They desperately wanted him to do drama but were worried that I would not want to have him in the class after he had been judged as too disruptive by several other schools.

This little boy would not listen to any instructions, would not make any eye contact with me and  simply ran around and shouted out all the time. Since he didn’t respond to any of my normal techniques and wouldn’t stay within “class boundaries”, I knew that something was up. I had many conversations with his parents giving them every opportunity to be open with me but it was a few painful weeks before they finally told me that he was autistic.

Once I knew this, I did some research, spoke to his school teacher and we started to make real progress. For example, he found making eye contact extremely difficult but this improved enormously when he was pretending to be someone else and in ‘character’.

These days, parents with children on the autism spectrum are often encouraged to bring their children to drama classes as it can really help to develop their social skills. While the field of Drama Therapy for autism is still quite new and there are very few experts,  those that I have spoken to all believe that mainstream drama teachers have many of the skills required to help.

In particular, I have seen drama games be very effective at helping autistic children:

• Improve self confidence
• Recognise emotions in others
• Identify their own emotions
• Work as part of a group
• Follow directions and instructions.

Often, autists are verbal but don’t have the skills to speak and interact socially. Sometimes, they repeat other people’s words verbatim and children with autism can often recite speeches and dialogue in exactly the same way as the original. Drama can give verbal individuals a safe setting for developing these skills and this is what we do in every Perform session.

I remember one little girl I taught who had very poor communication with her peers and teachers. Her parents brought her to my class with a written report into her background, how she reacted to different situations and how best to deal with her effectively.  Despite this comprehensive  document, nobody had mentioned that she was an incredible singer.  Once she was singing in character, she could communicate beautifully. We decided to work intensively with her on this and, bit by bit, her daily life at school and with her family started to improve.

I know from talking to parents that having an autistic child can be challenging and emotional but, in my view, the most important thing a parent can do is to be open, honest and transparent about their abilities and difficulties as early as possible.  My first experience was so hard because I didn’t know that the child was autistic and my reactions to his behaviour were wrong. Once I knew, I was able to use different and more suitable approaches which were much more successful.

Not all autistic children are suitable for mainstream drama classes like Perform of course, but by seeking advice at the earliest opportunity and by being open with the teachers, the child stands the best chance of getting the support and opportunities they deserve. If you know or care for an autistic child, you might also consider our small group or one-on-one classes  Private Perform which can be specially designed around the needs of an individual child or group.

To be honest, when I was watching her stumbling around the stage in Serbia,  I was prompted to write something about her decline from that sparky talented girl to the mixed-up source of tabloid headlines she had become – but her untimely death has really crystallised my thoughts about such a tragic waste of life.

Amy  began her professional life at 16 following her training at the Sylvia Young Theatre School and The BRIT School in Croydon.  There aren’t many careers that you begin at 16 – never mind a career so fraught with mind-blowing highs, numbing disappointments and charismatic older “role models” urging experimentation.  More importantly, starting work at 16 means you miss out on all that essential growing-up time when, although you are independent and have many of the legal rights of adulthood, you still need to do your A levels and get a degree. I wonder how differently things might have turned if Amy had started working a little later in her life. Might she have been better equipped for a life in the spotlight?

Attending a theatre school is the way many performers have historically entered the world of performing arts. But I’ve always thought that it was wrong to cut off your options at the age of 10 and be trained predominantly in theatre or music when you might want to change career at 18. It’s rather like joining a nunnery – how can you possibly make that decision so young? As a former actress myself, I remember an actor friend telling me that he couldn’t do anything else as he’d been at a stage school since he was a young boy.  He felt that the desperate quest for stardom he and his parents had strived for (and which of course is continually encouraged by all the staff) had ruined his chances to succeed at anything else.

As Principal of a children’s drama school, you might justifiably argue that I’m hardly in a position to point the finger. But one of the main reasons that I set up Perform eleven years ago and why I think it’s successful today is precisely because it doesn’t focus on “putting your daughter (or son) on the stage”.

In fact, despite teaching children drama, dance and singing, our aims are almost the complete  opposite. We don’t recommend that children go to auditions, we don’t put them up for films, we don’t let casting directors come and watch them (despite myriad requests) – just as we  certainly don’t expect them to decide on their future career or be encouraged to work when they are so young. We introduce them to the performing arts purely to help them with skills that will be useful to them whatever they do in the future – clear speaking, eye contact, vocabulary, focusing, hand-to-eye coordination. They’re all vital attributes to have whether a child ends up as an accountant or Lawrence Olivier.

Before I started Perform, I was in Cameron Mackintosh’s production of Oliver! at The London Palladium. Because of my love of children,  I was promoted to Head Girl. Being Head Girl meant that I auditioned and rehearsed the children in the show (of which there were many). I knew that the world of showbiz was cut-throat, of course,  but it did worry me when 7 year olds would say that they were “holding out for telly rather than theatre as it paid better”.  And of course parents colluded in this, their eyes bright with reflected glory and a handy bit of extra cash – never stopping to think about the price of a lost childhood spent being judged “not cute enough” by hard-faced casting directors.

So, it was at least partly in response to this that I wanted Perform to be an environment where children could come, enjoy the performing arts and not feel a pressure for it to be anything more than fun.

But what would you do if you had a child with exceptional talent? Would you send them to stage school? Obviously, they’d get the training and the opportunity to showcase their talents but what about the limiting of their options? Most stage schools do not offer the education that normal schools do (whatever they claim) so is it really fair to channel a child’s whole future into the choices you make for them at 11? There are examples of success and failure on both sides, of course,  but my feeling is that for every Shirley Temple, Jodie Foster and Emma Watson, there are at least two of Michael Jackson, Judy Garland, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and now…Amy Winehouse.

So what do you think? Should stage schools be discouraged or even banned? Should children be allowed to ‘work’ so young? Or would Amy Winehouse be in exactly the same position had she become a lawyer? Let me know your thoughts via the comments.

I was standing at the top of the stairs and my Dad (a bit of a softie) was quite happy to let me skip the class. But my Mum told him that they’d paid for it, I’d enjoy it when I got there and playing with my toys or watching television would be no better for me.

Of course, I went to ballet that day, loved it as usual and continued for years. In retrospect, I can see that it was entirely the right call. Thank you to my parents for making me stick at something.

If you are a parent, you might be considering how you approach these situations with your children. In my own case, I see the different ways that parents react almost every day and my conclusion is that parenting has changed quite a bit since I was a child.

In most ways, of course, this is for the better. Children are now rightly seen as being at the heart of a family. They are recognised as complex individuals who need love, support and nurturing in order to help them achieve their potential. Parents are more interested and more knowledgeable than ever about how their children develop. There are parenting books, parenting magazines, parenting classes, parenting coaches and you only have to visit Mumsnet for a few minutes to be amazed at the extraordinary dedication mothers and fathers are putting into trying to be the perfect parent.

So we’ve come a long way from the Victorian attitude that “Children should be seen and not heard.” But has the pendulum swung too far?

Once you’ve accepted that children’s needs and desires are as  important as our own, the obvious next step is to extend the sorts of choices we make for ourselves to our children.  But is that always wise? Are children really able to decide what’s best for themselves?

Don’t get me wrong. At Perform, children get to make a lot of choices. “How should PF escape The Cruel Commander? How does this music make us feel? How should we move to it?”  But we would never say to them “Would you like to make a circle now”? We’d always say “Let’s make a circle”.

As a teacher, I am conscious that I am responsible, in charge and know what’s best for the children in my care. As a parent,  I have that role too. But, as a parent, it’s easy to confuse helping your children feel empowered with allowing them to do exactly what they want. So many times I’ve had parents say to me, “Sorry we weren’t here last week. Johnny was glued to a DVD and we never force him to do anything he doesn’t want to”.

In my view, this is a mistake. Not only are these parents doing the child a disservice by allowing him to miss out on an activity which will stimulate his imagination, exercise his body and help him interact with his peers, more importantly, they are failing to teach him an important life skill: the ability to commit to something. This should be encouraged from an early age because it is the children I see that come for years and years to classes that really do go on to achieve success.

Perhaps this seems dictatorial. Perhaps, it’s a bit hardline to tell a child what to do all of the time? But what if, by allowing your child to take the easy route and neglect their allotment of potential,  you’re leaving a fledgling talent to wither on the vine ?

I always think about my Grandmother who was an exceptional pianist. Her mother saw that her daughter had a talent and made her practise. A LOT. If my Grandmother ever complained that she didn’t want to play the piano, the choice was simple – either play or start peeling the potatoes. Funnily enough, she chose to play and thank goodness -  otherwise a seriously good talent would have been wasted. In her case, she was given a choice (albeit a rather dull one), but it was hers to make.

I was talking to a friend about this the other day. She told me that, as a child, she would be asked by her father to provide three good reasons for doing something her way. The result was twofold; firstly she would have to use her mind to justify her request and secondly, however well she argued, her parents always had the final say because they decided whether the reasons were in fact “good enough”! She is now a successful barrister and believes that this practice at making strong arguments as a child has stood her in good stead as well as teaching her that there were good reasons behind everything her parents wanted her to do.

I am all for empowering children, encouraging decision-making and giving them the confidence to know what is right for them so that by the time they become young adults, they are equipped with the skills they need to make their own choices. But let’s face it, many young children, given the opportunity, would choose to watch TV and eat sweets rather than take part in an energetic activity – however enjoyable they always find it.  Allowing them to default to the path of instant gratification is NOT in their best interests because they don’t have the ability to forward-think or see the bigger picture . As parents, we are in the best position to know what’s best for our children long-term and we should take the lead…….unless of course they have three VERY good reasons why we should not!

She turned up looking small and terrified. In fact, I’d never seen a child so nervous before.

Children often get a bit teary at their first session but Louisa was distraught. Her mum was in a similarly panicked state and told us that Louisa rarely talked at school, would never put her hand up in class, had huge separation anxiety when going to school every day and found it impossible to form friendships.

Her Headteacher was so worried that she had suggested she see a child psychologist because she felt that Louisa’s problems were ruining her school experience.

Well, the first week she spent in the lobby barely daring to watch through the window. And the second week was the same – except that, this time, she did look through the window. Progress!

On the third week, she walked to the door, came in…and then spent the session quivering in the corner. This all seemed to be taking a long time but we could see a gradual improvement so we let her be and, two weeks later  in the “Listen, Speak & Sing” section, she astonished us by joining in with the words to our “Dolly Dolphin” song (still from the corner but hey…).

Bit by bit, she started joining in more and more and, after two more months, she was participating fully in a whole class.

I saw Louisa this week and I could not believe it was the same girl.

She walked with her head held high, looked me the eyes and said “Hi, Lucy! How are you?” without any prompting.

I asked her how she was getting on and she told me her favourite games and songs at Perform in detail, fluently and with an impressive vocabulary for a girl who barely spoke 12 months ago. She said how excited she was that she’s been chosen to play PF (our mascot and main character) in the end-of-term show. According to her Mum (who also looks a lot happier BTW), her school teachers are staggered with her transformation. She has lots of friends, frequent after-school play dates, embraces new experiences without fear and is generally a happy, confident little girl.

So much…so heart-warming. The reason I wanted to write specifically about Louisa is that she would never have been able to come to Perform if it wasn’t for our Bursary Scheme which we set up in 2009. It’s an independent not-for-profit body founded and run by local Perform parents. In fact two of the three mums who help us with it are parents who came along to Perform’s first class on January 8^th 2000.

As a company we’ve always given free places away to children who haven’t been able to afford Perform but a while ago we wanted to open it up in a more official way. And now we have 180 children attending our weekly classes absolutely free each week.

I am aware that Perform isn’t something which everyone can afford and I make no apology for that. The best teachers, great venues, recruiting and training are all expensive and I’d rather do something as well as I think it can be done than cut corners to make the prices cheaper.

However, the Bursary Scheme means that Perform isn’t just for better-off families. First and foremost, we are passionate about helping the children who need it the most, so if you are reading this and recognise a child similar to Louisa then please pass this on and encourage the parents to apply. You can download a form from the website. http://www.perform.org.uk/resources/bursary-scheme.html

And, of course, if you can offer a donation or some help with fund-raising so that more children like Louisa can undergo a similar transformation, please contact me